A mentor once told me that the choices I am making today should be aligned like the stem of an arrow that points toward its eventual target, my long-term goals. This appealed to me because it implied an element of control. Control…that is something I often find myself clutching to with white knuckles. All I have to do is plot out short, medium, and long range goals, shoot my arrow and then start making decisions that will help me to connect the dots until, voila! I am on target!!

I strung my bow when I was young…. I was going to be a marine biologist. Then I spent time training, studying, and getting to know those in the field. Nope. Not for me. It was a young arrow, so I was not worried. I restrung my bow with the hopes of being an Environmental Educator and shot my arrow into the world with three years of interning and a degree. Who doesn’t want to play outside for a living? I did… but my job was more politics and paperwork than anything. So I decided to set my bow down and picked up a hammer to build Habitat homes and reflect on what “more” I needed. I let this experience shift my direction into that of a working academic.

This time, I triple strung my bow with classes, construction, and activism. I was going to cast out multiple arrows, just to be safe. Ahh, but the winds of change blew hard during that round. My body let me know that something was wrong- no more wheat, dairy, or alcohol. Meanwhile, a friendship of ten years crumbled and a relationship of three years followed shortly after. Then my advisor left… taking my motivation to continue the pursuit of a published thesis with her. One arrow seemed strong and I threw my hopes into continuing in the sustainable building field. But alas, I had already given away the milk for free and that arrow too fell short of the enviable goal as I was put out to pasture. Quite literally.

So here I stand, my arm sore and my bow worn, but with no other choice, I string another arrow. I want to put hope into the life of farming. Oh, to be able to combine my love of helping people with my passion for cultivation! But this time I am jaded and wary. All I can see is the financial insecurity: working dozens of side jobs, having to re-fill my ulcer medication with my credit card, and continuing to live on food stamps. I am an expert archer but I cannot seem to hit my target.

In the last few months I have had so many of my friends and family say things like “I just can’t keep up with you!” “What are you doing these days anyway?” “I’ve given up trying to figure out what you want to do.” I am sure most people think I am just loving every second of my wild adventures, especially because it seems as though I am actively choosing to restring my bow. I love the experiences that I have had, the people that I have met, and the opportunities put before me. If I could go back, I don’t think I would change anything. Yet as much as I love a good adventure, I have been stringing my bow to find stability and full-fulfillment, not excitement. I did not plan on living this dizzying lifestyle. I feel like I planned to go on a three month road trip that turned into a five year pilgrimage.

I just want to stop moving so I can appreciate the things around me. Imagine being a person that is constantly changing direction; with every new change, you must put forth more effort, heart, and hopes. In the end, I feel like I never have time or energy for the little things in my life that I cherish so much. I want to spend time with my friends and family. I want to make a quilt, ride my bike for pleasure, write letters, cook injera, learn bonsai, have my own chickens, learn how to play the bones, study Spanish, use my kayak, go diving, or maybe even just take an unnecessary nap.

Soon I will be down to one low-wage part-time job that I want so desperately to become a full-time position than does more than just make ends meet. Although I am tired of chasing arrows, I am hedging my bets on this one little arrow- my hopes riding on the tips of its feathers.

As I watch it fly, I will do what I always do, which is try to delight in the journey. I am so thankful I have such supportive and loving people around me to ease the falls and join in on the adventures that inevitably ensue. As always, I know it will be interesting to say the least.

Things are rolling right along with the new job, new farm, new house, and new roomate. My Director position with Fields to Families has been keeping me happily busy but most of all, it has been great practice in the art of letting go. Since I can only work 20 hours a week, I have to simply embrace that I cannot finish it all and know that it will be waiting for me the following week. Yet even with the time contraints, I am already feeling pretty productive. Beyond the general office work, email checking, and call returning, I have also helped with the Day of Caring event (click the pic below to see all the action)…

as well as working the Farmer’s Market pick-ups…

and attended the volunteer appreciation party…

On the days that I am not working with F2F, I am back on the farm… working in McClellandville, SC on Thornhill farms. It is a beautiful organic farm that also serves as a host site for Adaptive Gardens and McCrady’s Garden. As part of the Growing New Farmers “Grower’s Group” program, we actually ended up on the farm for a lesson and some dinner.

Matt Frye picking some Red Russian Kale

McCrady’s Sean Brock working the filets. If only I ate fish. Damn.

In addition to all of this, I spend my nights slowly unpacking boxes and moving myself in. Daniel and I found a place together by Hampton Park that is perfect for us… the apartment is spacious and bright but most importantly it has an epic backyard. I just borrowed a tiller from Lowcountry Community Gardens and in the next week we will have the beginnings our own urban farm! What can I say… I love playing in the dirt 🙂

The winds of change are blowing full force this week, as all of my planned and unplanned changes begin to take motion. My apartment is filled with boxes, mostly crammed full of books (I heart books, big time.) that are all ready to make the move to Johns Island. I have spent the last few weeks purging stuff out of my life that has become dead weight… VHS tapes, clothes, gifts I never wanted, and things that could be better used by someone else. Once again, I find myself going back to a communal setting, living on an extreme budget, and dedicating my time to working outdoors building. My last service year was spent building homes and now I will spend my time building up farms and the community surrounding them. People keep asking me if I am excited and I keep telling them, not quite yet. The whole process is too surreal for me to truly grasp the changes coming my way. There are still so many changes taking place that it is hard to even forecast what life will be like a week from now.

Since my green building job did not accept my proposal to become permanent contractor, I will have to seek out other employment to fill the gaps between the specialty projects I plan to continue doing for them. Although I am disappointed in their decision to not keep me on staff, I think it will probably be the best for everyone, as it will give the affiliate the push it needs to learn to live without having access to me daily while also allowing me to get paid fairly based on my final products and not office hours.

My case working job is voluntarily coming to an end but this was inevitable because the nature of the position and the bureaucracy that surrounded it was slowly wearing me down. I will however miss the interesting and candid conversations with my co-workers about parenting, relationships, and race. Not to mention how nice it felt to be constantly thanked for my work and complimented on my efforts… if only it could have been an environmental agency!

Looking ahead to the next few days, I will be leaving my case working (sigh of relief), ending a four year process of building a green building program (sigh of disappointment/relief), moving to John’s Island, and becoming a farmer. Change, change, change… I really do love change in its entirely intense, sometimes uncomfortable, but always life sculpting nature. It will be glorious to finally embrace my love of growing things and be able to spend my days doing nothing but learning every aspect of the food production world! Just imagine me breaking out of my office cubicle with pitchfork in hand, leaving behind a trail of paperwork and “while you were out” messages, and diving into a pile of compost while screaming out my xena call in glee.

Last week brought adventure, change, celebration, and challenge into my world. Monday was… well… Monday. Tuesday was my first interview with Lowcountry Local First for the Farm Incubator Program…very exciting. We had a lunch meeting at Five Loaves (yum) where we discussed all kinds of things from the position to my lifestyle. What was the biggest concern regarding my qualifications? My ability to get a car. How I have managed to live in Charleston and commute to Johns Island this long is beyond me, so I was not surprised when it came up. So, yes, I will be getting a vehicle so that I can participate in the program. I know, I know. I think about half of you are relieved and the other disappointed but I am sure that you all understand. So at the end of the meeting we agreed that I would have a second on site interview with one of the farmers to ensure it was a good fit. Which brings me to Wednesday. The day started off with a little oyster harvesting. Yes, oyster harvesting. Our Habitat Young Professionals group was having its first fundraiser, so we decided to go out on our own and get some “free” food. It was unbelievably cold, fun, and for some, tasty as well. I personally do not eat oysters because I was told to not eat boogers at the age of 3, but clearly that does not apply in this case. Oh yeah, I am allergic, too. So anyways, we harvested enough to fill two large garbage cans full and even found ourselves a quahog clam. After cleaning the gear, oysters, and boats we headed over to Rosebank farms where I met with Sidi, the farmer for Rosebank Farms. In true farm style, he pulled up in a tractor. We toured the stand, met some of the critters (including a duck that thinks its a rabbit), and then saw all of the fields. As I stared across the rows and rows of winter vegetables and listened to him name off the varieties, the whole idea of working on a farm began to sink in. Working the soil, protecting the plants, harvesting the yield, tending the animals, and making the sale. This is exactly what I want to be doing. So when he dropped me off at the front and asked me when I was going to start, my heart sang! (Specifically, Lets Go Crazy by Prince). Thursday I gave my notice to my case working job (it was a stretch anyway but at least I got them to recycle!) and went out that night to celebrate at the aforementioned oyster roast. Friday, I spent most of my day recovering from Thursday and preparing for Saturday, which was the kick-off day for the Bogarden my friends and I have started. The rest of the weekend was spend playing with the dogs, running errands, and planting more seeds.

So what does this mean for me? Well… in the next month I have to tie up loose ends at my case working job, move out of my apartment and onto Johns Island, buy a car, and convince my OTHER current employer to transition my part-time Green Building position into a contract basis one. Change is on the way.